From In the Valley

an unresolved look at rescue

Hey supporters <3

Someone asked me recently how this last year in Chiang Mai has been. They said, “must have been pretty good since you seem to be sticking around” I almost fell into the small talk trap, but the truth overtook me. I looked at them and told them that this year has broken all boundaries of what I thought difficulty looked like, that it has been incredibly hard and that I am also so grateful for it.

This newsletter is going to take a look at some of the spiritual ugliness we are surrounded by. It is a message of God’s presence with us in the darkest valleys. This valley may be a bit unnerving to read about, but it is the truth and I believe it’s important to share with you, as my supporters.

Let’s start with establishing that Satan is the father of lies. And I’ve believed many of those lies. One that has recently been overturned is the lie that it is better to face a struggle on my own. That I can handle it. That nobody is equipped to help/desires to help. Well, I’ve recently seen the light of truth incinerate those lies and I’d like to share some struggle and break out of the isolation.

During our second month in Thailand, we were in our second Airbnb waiting to move into our house. I began experiencing some intensely dark dreams. I do not plan to share the content of these dreams, but I will tell you I knew the content was too twisted to have come from my own mind. They were inescapable and I grew very afraid. I was thrown into a fear that did not shake off when I woke up, it was a constant fear. I was afraid of the dark, afraid to be alone, afraid of dogs and afraid of sleeping. There was no relief or rest.

After a particularly intense set of dreams, I spent some time in my sketchbook. I was working on a drawing while processing the previous night. The sketch was of Colin and I in our bed, and a moat of prowling creatures circling us. For those of you who draw, you know the feeling of subconsciously checking the piece as you are working. Are the proportions right? Are the colors working? ect. Well, I subconsciously checked the prowling creature I was drawing and found it to be inaccurate. Then I took a mental step back and consciously asked myself why I knew what would be accurate or not. I then turned to the next page and produced a sketch of a sort of smokey figure. It startled me that I knew exactly which corner of the apartment it spent the most time in. I was terrified.

(I still have these sketches, but I kinda just can’t bring myself to share them with you… here’s a small post-it scribble I drew around the same time instead)

That same day, Colin and I called a friend and she encouraged us to put scripture up in our apartment and to stay in the Word. I unloaded a pack of sticky notes on the walls.

I saved a handful of the sticky notes in my sketchbook after we moved

As I fell asleep I would read the scripture on the sticky notes and recite Psalm 23 in my head. I was so focused on Psalm 23, that in my sleep I would be struggling through brain fog to remember the next word. It was exhausting, but the presence of scripture seemed to make things less terrifying, and so I continued to exhaust myself with recitation. It helped with the terror, but it made sleeping every night feel like an unyielding argument. The moments where I lost sight of Psalm 23 (or whatever hymn/memory verse God pulled up through my heart) were filled with worry, accusation and fear. I did not get much sleep that month.

the view of quiet waters from in the valley of the shadow of death

Eventually we moved out and into a nearby hotel room. A few days later we moved to our house.

Our house became a savior in my mind. It was a safe space in which my dreams returned to their usual pleasant random scenarios. My fears mostly dissipated. I felt that I had been through something difficult and it was over. (You will see several times in which I so badly want resolution to this discomfort…resolution is not what this newsletter is about) A few months passed and it was time for the annual Friends Network missionary retreat in Chiang Mai. Some of our friends came early to sightsee in Chiang Mai. I chatted with a fellow new missionary about the difficulties we’ve faced moving into the mission field. I shared the above story I just told you, with a triumphant “and now it’s all better” at the end. That night, both Colin and I were accosted with bad dreams.

I dove straight back into the depths of fear. What was God doing? Why was He allowing this? I was so scared because our home had been breached and I didn’t know how/if I could make it safe again. I was nervous to sleep in a new place as we moved to the resort for the retreat. It was a surprisingly peaceful night (besides my own hesitation to sleep). The next day we had some activities to kick off the retreat. I was, again, prompted to share the difficulties of time overseas. I was paired with a fellow missionary from my cohort. She listened to me for a bit, took my hands, and told me that Jesus’ name is powerful and that I should call on Him. I sobbed with relief and in recognition of the truth. We read scripture and prayed together and some other missionaries shared their similar experiences with me.

That night I began to have a dream featuring a particular deity that is very present here. I recognized him at once from all the shrines around town. I swiped at him and repeatedly shouted “NO, IN JESUS NAME, NO NO NO” I then entered a space that I assume is what people mean when they describe having sleep paralysis. I could not move or speak. I continued yelling in my head until I could move my lips and as soon as I spoke Christ’s name out loud, I woke up. Peaceful and at ease. It was early, still dark, and yet I felt no fear of the dark. Colin was still asleep, and yet I did not feel alone, or fear being alone. My peacefulness soon grew into joy and I relished the morning. That day I told everyone about the power of Jesus’ name. Polite “how are you?”s were met with resounding joy and excitement over my savior. It was a beautiful couple of weeks.

After the retreat, I began calling some friends in America to tell them this amazing story. Again, I was so relieved to have survived the scary thing, and come out on the other side. I had achieved resolution. I had defeated fear. (Notice the misplacement of credit here…)

As I shared my story with people, I began to have more bad nights. They seemed to coincide with when I called someone to share this story. This discouraged me and frustrated me. I was upset at God, because I thought I deserved to be done. I lived through the trial, called on His name, learned my lesson, right?

During this time, I would use Jesus’ name in the moment of the dream to make it stop. This usually came out something like, “IN JESUS NAME, GET OUT”. In retrospect I can see that this was an arrogant and commanding tone I had taken toward Christ. To command a spirit to leave takes a power that only Christ holds. I was treating this power like a button I could press and receive the relief I desired at the time I desired and in the way I desired. Because I preferred the calmness of the nights when I didn’t share my story, I did not share it with everyone I wanted to. That was a win for Satan, I’m afraid. I gave up the fight for a while, and simply didn’t share the excitement I had for God’s power and love, in order to preserve my own comfort.

The story I have painted for you is one of many reality-shattering moments for me. There have been plenty of other dreams/incidents in the last year and a half. Through a roller coaster of comfort and discomfort, I have slowly begun to see the flaws in my attitude towards God and am learning how to be more trusting. My vocabulary in the moments of fear has changed from “IN JESUS’ NAME GET OUT” to “Jesus, help me”. And that doesn’t mean I am always immediately delivered from the fearful space, but it does remind me that Jesus is with me and that brings peace. To know that I am not alone in the fearful spaces is hugely helpful. And it takes all credit off of my won shoulders. Rescue is Christ’s work.

Through some very important conversations, I have come to recognize that my definition of “rescue” does not often align with God’s. Throughout this whole ordeal, I have prayed for rescue from the scary situations. What I was asking for was to be removed from a place of discomfort and dropped into a place of comfort. But that is not the level of rescue God operates on. He has already rescued me on the ultimate level. I am already rescued through Christ’s sacrifice. I am fully saved. And Heaven is already my home. All glory and praise be to Christ!

a light in the darkness

I do not want to lie to you and tell you that the spiritual attack is over. Satan can touch my dreams and my physical space, but he cannot touch my salvation. He cannot come close to removing me from God’s loving arms. The same is true of you. With that truth in hand, discomfort is nothing but discomfort. It is not necessarily a lesson to be learned, nor is it for the sake of nothing. I will probably never get to know God’s reasoning for this season of life, and that is something I am also (slowly! clumsily!) coming to peace with.

an illustration of God’s protection as a sheer golden sheet laid over me

I have not shared any of this to scare you, but, as we enter the season of Lent, I thought it appropriate to be honest with each other about the aches of life on earth. Oftentimes, I think we only share our stories of God’s provision after things feel resolved. But God’s provision comes through His presence. He stands/sits/lays beside us in the darkest moments. He is Christ, risen and victorious! Can you see that this is more valuable than what we perceive as resolution?

I also desire to offer some connection and hope to those of you who are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Breathe and pray. This is in God’s hands. If you are in a season of struggle, I encourage you to center yourself in the truth and hold it tightly. You are God’s daughter/son! He loves you more than anyone here on earth can and He never leaves you. Heaven is already yours! Jesus Christ has defeated death with power we cannot fathom! You are already saved, fully loved and never alone <3

I will always appreciate prayers for this battle, and I will pray for you in the same way. Thank you for reading. If you want to talk more about this with me, feel free to reach out. I’d love to pray for you in the valley you are walking through.